If you’ve destroyed relationships with close friends, there’s still a chance that you can rebuild the bridges that you have burned. Try messaging your friend (or talk to them in person if they are still talking to you).
- Own up to the harm you caused without downplaying what happened. Do NOT whitewash what happened.
- Optional: apologize for what you did.
- Explain that you have a problem (e.g. narcissistic personality disorder, if applicable) where you constantly need to de-value others, causing you to destroy relationships that you care about.
- Ask for a small amount of help. Ask your friend for their advice on understanding empathy or how you can make the relationship healthier.
Trying to fix your mistakes can help you grow as a person.
The principles are:
- Honesty and vulnerability. Opening up to others is what healthy people do in close relationships. You are opening up about having a mental health problem that affects your life.
- Validation. You are validating the pain and suffering that you have caused your friend. Weirdly enough, there are a few people who appreciate that.
- Do NOT make excuses. While it may be very difficult for you to outrun a traumatic childhood and to regulate your behaviour, they probably don’t want to hear you blame your toxic behaviour on something. Hopefully they gave you a break after understanding that it may be difficult for you to change your behaviour. If they don’t get it, you can tell them that it would mean a lot to you if they made an effort to understand your problem or mental illness.
- Reciprocation. If you ask a friend for a small favour, they will feel obliged to reciprocate because normal people will reciprocate small requests. The flipside of this is that if you have seriously harmed your friend, your friend has every right to ignore you or to tell you off.
- Note that you probably should not ask for forgiveness. Earn it instead.
- Communication. By asking your friend to give you advice on repairing the relationship, you will know what issues should be addressed. Communication helps to avoid erroneous assumptions about what you friend is/isn’t willing to put up with and what their boundaries are.
- It is socially acceptable for you to try to right the wrong that you have created. Your friend also has the right not to withhold forgiveness and to continue cutting you off.
Your friend may not respond. That’s ok.
If you go down this route, you have an obligation to:
Make an honest effort to change yourself. You really have to try.
At some time in the future, you do need to apologize to your friend if you haven’t already.
Avoid a one-sided and lopsided relationship. You need to try to do things for your friend to make up for the damage that you have caused. It does not necessarily need to be something big. If you can do little things to help out your friend (e.g. listen to them when they talk, validate them when they are venting about something, etc.), do those things. Do not force help or gifts upon your friend.
What to do if you screw up again
- Own up to your mistake. State what you did without sugar coating it.
- Be honest about the situation (if necessary). If it’s obvious that the situation isn’t getting better because you’ve repeatedly screwed up, state so and suggest a reasonable solution. You could state that things aren’t working out and that it will probably be a better idea to try to mend the friendship at a later time after you have your issues figured out.
- It’s ok to screw up. Everybody will screw up sooner or later. Normal, well-adjusted people will understand that everybody makes mistakes. Unlike abusive parents, they will not pick apart every flaw that a person has. Healthy people will accept that their children and friends have flaws.
I hope this helps. You can learn new social skills. Good luck!
Overcoming narcissism 